Treating Your Husband Good When He’s Done Wrong

This is a dead horse that I will continue to beat because I think the topic of this post is so important for women to remember whether old or young, married or single.

You may have not been taught growing up that your marriage would be a training ground of sorts for spiritual growth. You may have been one of those women like myself who believed marriage was designed to meet your own selfish needs. Like me you probably had some expectations that had everything to do with filling an emotional void and nothing to do with facing who you truly were and becoming a better person in spite of yourself.

This post is not so much about simply glorifying your husband than it is about glorifying God. It’s about exposing and dealing with our own selfishness in order to become a better person.

One of the ways that I struggled in my marriage with selfishness was in times when I perceived that my husband was irritating me. I italicize this statement to point out that emotional irritation is an internal reaction too a perceived wrong. As women of God who are called to exemplify the Lord, we can not let our character change for the worst based upon external motivations.

One of the biggest hindrances I hear about in marriage is when one spouse withholds outward expressions of love towards the other spouse when they become angry or frustrated. This is an indication of unharnessed selfishness.

In the early years of my marriage I withheld affectionate attention from my husband when I was angry at something he did. It was part of my human nature to resort to the old “an eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth” method when I was wronged. However I want to encourage you to practice doing the total opposite. Instead of withholding love, strive to give more of it.

One of the ways that I achieve success in this area is by going out of my way to do special services for my husband. I have created a habit of preparing the home for him when he arrives home. This is so easy to accomplish when we are on good terms, but it is when we are not on good terms that I can truly see if I am striving to glorify God. Will I still be the person I am when we are on good terms or will I withhold service, love and affection?  Mastering our behavior is more about our relationship with God than it is about the one we share with our spouses.

It is important that we pray diligently to gain mastery in this area. Each time we choose to repay evil with evil we run the risk of destroying relationships. We destroy our relationship with our spouses and our relationship with God when we let anger fuels our choices. Let us trust in Gods word regarding repaying evil. I’ve made a commitment to repay my husband with godliness even when I am angry. I don’t succeed every time but with practiced discipline it has become easier and easier to do.

If this is something you struggle with be encouraged and know that God wants you to be more like Christ even more than you do. Trust in the Lord and make Him the focus of your life.

17 comments

  1. Pualena says:

    Thank you for this post. It’s awesome to know that I am not alone. I have been playing the eye for an eye…but now that I am aware I will take a step back and make an extra effort to love more. Man, that is hard. But it is hard. Afterall if it was easy maybe the divorce rate wouldnt be so high. Thanks again.

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Pualena, yes ma’am it’s sooooo hard but it’s sooooo worth it. At least that what Ive experienced. When I started responding to my husband as my ally versus my enemy he changed as well. Our marriage is now better than it’s ever been but it’s been a hard journey. Doing things that don’t feel natural is hard.

    [Reply]

  2. maita says:

    Thanks. I am struggling with my husband. I am a Christian. I and my children go to church every services. But my Husband is hard. I am always praying for Him to accept Jesus in his heart. He always want to argue with me in anything. I think his day is not complete if he does not make an argument. I just keep quiet but my silence make him angry even more. I dont know what to do with my husband. Thank God Jesus is with me to comfort me. Pls join me in praying for my husband. Your Post is an encouragement to me. God bless!

    [Reply]

  3. Holly says:

    I know God led me to our blogs because every single timing I’m facing, it feels like within a few hours you address that very thought/issue/suggestion in a post. I thank god for you because I have no other Godly woman influences in my life.

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Holly, I’m so glad you found my blog too. I want to be an encouragement to you and a stepping stone to helping you avoid and overcome the pitfalls of a destructive marriage. I’m here for you.

    [Reply]

  4. Janeane Davis says:

    Thanks for sharing this article. There are so many lessons in here as there are in everything you write. Many people don’t realize marriage is a ministry, it is a way of showing our love for Christ. Thank you for a nice reminder.

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Janeane Davis,

    Marriage is a ministry —- Yes it is. It’s an act of ongoing service to God, your husband, your children and surrounding community. It’s our opportunity to demonstrate the characteristics of Christ Jesus. My marriage is about honoring the King and I couldn’t be happier. When it was about me, or my husband or kids, I was miserable. It’s a learning process that I’m honored to share through my writing.

    [Reply]

  5. Gabby says:

    I needed to read this today. I struggle with this and today was a huge fail on my part. My husband and I need prayer in this area. Growing up, my parents were affectionate to each other during good times, but were distant at bad times. My dad withheld love from me when I did something that upset him. I’ve been fighting this upbringing for many years. And my dad is even a chaplain and was at one point a pastor of a church.

    This post gives me encouragement though. I can do this and I’m not alone. Thank you.

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Gabby,

    Hi Gabby, I just wanted to check in with you. I’ve prayed for you and your husband regarding in this area. It can be hard to fight the feeling of wanting to withhold affection when you’ve been offended so don’t beat yourself up if it takes some time to break this habit. When you feel the urge come on the withhold affection, remind yourself that it;s really revenge. We are doing to to protect ourselves and punish the other person, but what if Jesus withheld affection from us because of our offenses and refused the cross? Oh my…where would we be? It seems so much more trivial when we look at it in that light. I want you to have a strong Goldy marriage and am here to help or talk. You can email me at any time. —-> aproverbswife@gmail.com

    [Reply]

  6. Aeolain says:

    This post really touched me because it is filled with truth. God only knows how much more teaching we need like this so women like me can understand more and more that only my response is my responsibility. Thank you for being transparent and letting. God use you to bless me. Thank you sis.

    [Reply]

  7. Erin says:

    This is an area that I have been focusing on myself of late, not so much the physical affection side of things as we don’t have too many issues there, but by forcing myself to go out of my way to do nice/special things for him even when I feel that he doesn’t deserve it (sometimes muttering very grudgingly) It has made a difference in my marriage and I want to thank you for the encouragement I receive through following your facebook page :)

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Erin, You’re welcome. Have a great week Erin.

    [Reply]

  8. MrsD05 says:

    In our premarital counseling class we learned that both of us have the love language of physical touch so we promised each other then that we would never withhold affection from each other, even when we are angry with each other. Besides our marriage vows, this has been the best promise that we have made to each other. I know even when my husband is mad at me he’ll give me a hug and I’ll do the same for him.

    The other night as I was falling asleep in my husband’s arms I thought “how lucky am I to still be falling asleep in my husband’s arms?” and then I just began silently praising God. I always know, even if we have had a rough day, there I’ll be each night… drifting off to sleep in my husband’s arms. That just fills me with such joy!

    I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said.

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @MrsD05,

    That is so sweet. Your commitment to strengthening your marriage is something that many marriages miss. Thanks a lot for sharing.

    [Reply]

  9. Melanie says:

    This is a great post and so true. I get it ruts from time to time and lose focus on serving my husband and expect him to serve me too much. Even though I know better. Thanks for the reminder! Things run so much better when I do it Gods way!

    [Reply]

Leave a Reply