How Should A Wife Disagree With Her Husband Respectfully?

How Should A Wife Disagree With Her Husband Respectfully - AProverbsWife.com

The more my husband and I study the character of God the less we’ve come to disagree with one another on major issues. With time, patience and a desire to understand one another we’ve learned a few things about one another. We come to understand the deep-seated reasons behind why we feel and think the way that we do.

In the earlier years of our marriage, I believed that if you trusted your husband with the finances you ran a greater risk of ending up in financial ruin. This method of thinking was a result of my upbringing and the cause of many of our arguments. Needless to say, he was raised just the same way and refused to give me control over the finances. This tug of war went on until one day I decided to release my grip on controlling the money and tighten my grip on God.

The verses that I would tell myself every time I gave up being right were, “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10)  and ” I will never leave you or forsake you“. It was a process of getting to a point of becoming confident in what God’s plan for my life as an individual and as a wife that I was able to give control of the final decisions over to my husband. In doing this I learned so many things about myself and my husband.

#1- My husband is capable of leading our family in every aspect

#2- God already has a back up plan for my husbands mistakes

#3– Holding on to perceived control was an outward expression of  my fear of the what-if’s

#4- My refusal to submit was keeping him from becoming the man and husband God desired for him to be

#5- My husband values and wants my opinion and desires it more now that it’s not forced upon him

What do I do when my opinion differs from my husbands?

As a wife, I am made to be my husbands help meet. God appointed me to be helper for my husband. Not only that, but, He has also equipped me with some qualities that my husband needs. My husband happens to understand how important my opinion is and demonstrates that by asking me for my input on every decision that is pertinent in our marriage.

He hears me out and takes into careful consideration what I have said. He prays aloneand with me…to seek the guidance of the Lord. This act alone gives me enough confidence to surrender my will if my husband decides to do something different than what I’ve suggested.

Has my husband always been this great of a guy? No. (nor have I always been the wife I am today)

The way that I see it, is that I can build him up or tear him down. When I began to demonstrate my allegiance to his leadership abilities His faith became stronger. I was no longer an obstacle that he had to fight against in his journey towards a resolution to a dilemma.




Imagine trying to figure out the solution to a life changing situation, knowing that the one person who should have your back, secretly or openly thinks that you are doomed to fail?

That’s got to be rough on a man’s psyche. I decided to become his #1 cheerleader in life. To be a true helper, I had to understand his interests, dreams, weaknesses, strengths and struggles. When I began to be more supportive and less rebellious, headstrong, stubborn, strong willed and demanding, I was able to understand the reasoning behind his decisions.

What puzzles me sometimes is this. “How can we be totally comfortable with submitting to a supervisor on a job, more than our own spouses?”. We don’t dare speak to our supervisors in the manner in which we often speak to our spouses. We don’t defy our supervisors refusing to carry out their vision for the employees or the company. We accept company changes without as much as a peep.

Why?

How I handle the instances when I disagree with my husband:

  • If the issue is a matter of our biblical principles or moral foundation, I ask God to reveal scripture concerning the situation. The only reason why I would not submit to my husband is if he were asking me to sin or condone sinful behavior on his part.

  • I express it calmly. I pray for direction in using the proper tone and edifying words. I am known to raise my voice in order to get my point across. Therefore, praying is a step that I must take to make sure that I am speaking to my husband the way that I want to be spoken to in return.

  • I ask God to help me use words that my husband understands. My husband and I do not communicate the same way and it helps to speak his language. I speak more in terms of what I feel. For example, it confuses him when I say, “You don’t act like you love me”. He is able to gather a concrete picture of what I am trying to convey much better when I say, “I don’t feel loved when you play video games while I’m struggling with the children”.

  • I ask God to help me to accept my husbands decision if it differs from mine.

  • I ask God to help me see where I could be wrong.

  • I pray for direction for my husband in his decision making.

  • I accept the fact that neither of us are perfect

What helps me surrender to the leadership of my husband?

1. Knowing that it is God that has commanded me to submit to my husbands’ leadership, not my husband. My husband has been placed in this position by God. My husband was not given the an option to accept or decline. It is an absolute.

2. Knowing that no matter what decisions my husband makes, God is will take care of us both. God has a back up plan for our shortfalls.

3. Being confident in my husbands faith and relationship with the Lord.

4. Knowing my husbands love for me and his desire to do his best for me.

Submitting is not easy. Our submission must start with God as the center of our focus, not our husbands. We obey God, thereby we submit to our husbands. We must submit to our husbands with an attitude of faith with our eye’s are set upon the Lord

Once we have truly surrendered to God, submission will be the natural outworking of the Holy Spirit within the Christian. Godly submission isn’t something you try to perform, it is the natural fruit of a close walk with Christ.

Comments

  1. Julia says

    I loved you response to Jeanette and your article in general. Her response was very similar to my mother’s this morning when I announced that we will most likely move completely across the country for a better job but most importantly; a better chance to put our family first. I’m told that she has no clue what bible I read from and that I’m wrong to submit to his final decision. We (my husband and I) talk about everything. I ask questions and lay my concerns out. I pray with him and alone for peace, paths, and answers but also for my husband and for the best course if action to be presented to him. I pray that I not usurp his role and that I follow my husband bc I follow and have trust in our lord. I pray for protection should “any if my worries” come to fruition and tell my husband I’m on board and I’ll go or do what he thinks best. I can do this bc I know my husband won’t ask me to be sinful and often times; he’s diverting me from my sinful tendencies. Should I find or believe him to be acting out of sin, I pray hard and like a miracle, God always shines thru and blesses us… Even when it still feels hard or lonely.

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  2. Jeanette says

    I agree with Katrina even though her comment was written over 2 years ago, but she has more sense than the author. A wife should never have to suppress her feelings, wants, and needs because her husband is beating his chest and wanting his way because that’s what it boils down to…selfishness. No where in the bible does it state that a woman should submit to this or a man has a right to demand his way. My husband will never listen to me and take my feelings and thoughts into consideration and then make the final decision…no, we will listen to each other and make decisions together where possible and sometimes I may defer…sometimes he may defer. that’s how things should work in a healthy biblical marriage. If your husband is demanding his way he is not loving you.

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    A Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Jeanette, I have no idea what you are reading, but no where do I say or imply that my husband demands his way. My choice to submit to his decision at times when I don’t agree is just that…a choice. I trust him and his leadership. I trust that he has my best interest at heart. If you do not understand that a wife is to submit to her husbands leadership according to the Bible, then I don’t know what Bible you are reading. A husband who loves and honors God does not beat his chest and demand his way. He explains his position and sometimes those under his leadership may not agree, but as a leader and Christ follower he has the final say. You don’t have to agree with how we live or with what the Bible says. I recommend you read the book of Esther and do a study on the the two vastly different wives of that book. And if you haven’t read the book of Ephesians you should because it clearly gives instructions on a wife submitting to her husband as he submits to the leadership of Christ. If you have any other questions on the topic of submission, do a search of the word in my search box and read up on any other articles I’ve written on the subject.

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  3. Gil says

    Hi, maybe the reason why we find it easier to submit to a supervisor is because usually we have a contract, we know and have agreed on what we will submit to, and It’s easy enough to leave a job.

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  4. brooke says

    I’ve spent 10 years being what I thought was submissive. In that time we’ve been through job changes, injury at work that has lead to workers comp issues, court hearing in order to receive an early medical retirement, my husband hasn’t worked a job in 3 years. He’s convinced me that vaccinations are bad so we’ve stopped getting them, We left our church and started a home church. We pulled the kids from school and they are home schooled. Now he doesn’t like sports and extra curricular activities Because he thinks they interfere with school. if we win the early retirement he wants to eventually buy land and be self sufficient. I need to mention that he spends 3 hours every day listening to a conspiracy theory talk show. He reads his bible and spends time with God everyday and feels he is correct in the way he his leading us. The way things are progressing is making me nervous and I’ve started expressing my concerns more. I have mentioned some things as time has gone on But in the end he’s always explained in detail how i am wrong. now he feels I am not on board with everything and since he knows they way I feel, he can no longer lead us. I will say that I believe each of these things is not necessarily wrong, it’s the overall progression of the situation. he says I act out of fear of man issues, I’m realizing that I’ve been afraid of his reaction all this time and its happening just as I thought it might. I’ve spent a lot of time lately researching biblical views on conspiracies and I feel strongly that any more isolation on our part is not healthy. I think he believes I’m in sin because I’m not complacently following suit any longer. Any advice is welcome 🙂

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    A Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @brooke, I can’t pretend to have an easy answer for you, but I did solicit the advice of some other women in the APW community. Above all, I think your family needs the help of other believers in your area. I pray you guys can connect with some Bible believing individuals that can help your husband flesh out what he’s reading in the Bible and apply it to your lives in practical ways. Head over and read some words of encouragement from some other ladies in the community: https://www.facebook.com/AProverbsWife/photos/a.378769235738.193926.251005430738/10153215460925739/?type=1&theater

    Be Blessed.

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  5. Angela says

    This submission thing would be so much easier for me if I was submitting to a husband who has placed God first in his life. My husband is still spiritually immature, so it is hard for me to respect some of his decisions when I know they are made out of selfishness or are not God led. I am certainly tired of being the strong one in our marriage and wish to be able to come completely into my role as wife. I dp continue to pray for God to work on my husband and myself. I have seen growth in my husband and for that I am grateful. I just think it would be easier to follow him knowing he is fully committed to God.

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    A Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Angela, Of course it would be easier that way. And thank God that He knew some of us would face situations where our husbands weren’t saved. I Peter 3:1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives… I know it’s hard, but God designed you to withstand the burden. You’re stronger than you think. Don’t give up doing what you are called to do. Your ability to submit despite your husbands faith (right now) is making a huge impact in the kingdom. It’s an inspiration to other believers as well.

    Galatians 6:9King James Version (KJV)

    And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

    Be blessed!!

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  6. Carla Perry says

    My husband in a associate minister church of a church and I have spritually outgrown this church nor is the church growing. I joined another church and i am very happy and active. My husband does not want me to remain their inspite of my dreading to attend his church in which we met and married. I am torn and he makes me feel that I am suppose yo be there regardless of how I feel..

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    A Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Carla Perry, Do you think maybe God has you and your husband at that church to help them grow? If you are happy ad active at the new church, what’s stopping you from being happy and active in the old church? It’s a hard choice. What’s your purpose in going to church?

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  7. April Hale says

    Thank you so much for this!! I really needed to hear this tonight. Marriage is so hard! Or at least it is to me. It’s nice to receive some solid christian advice! Thanks!

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  8. Shannon says

    Amen sister! This is a word that needs to be spoken to women in our generation. I fought submission for many years, and our marriage was constantly under fire. It took a lot of pain to relinquish that need for control and trust God and my husband. Thank you for sharing your journey and this Truth.

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  9. jackie says

    Its true we can’t change our husband…why is it that from all his rejection..he has changed me to feel very unworthy and unlovable. He changed me…sadly

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  10. Katina says

    Hi! Great article and well written. As I read the article I got the sense it was more about submission than disagreeing. As we submit to our husbands there will be things that we will disagree with. It is important to know that there has to be a mutual agreement, although that can be difficult with everything. The one thing I learned is that if there is something that one person (wife) is not in agreement with then having mutual agreement will benefit both parties. Communicating your disagreements respectfully will help build a common ground. This is what I have found to work in my marriage. But both parties have to come to an agreement both can live with otherwise there can be resentment and resistance.

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  11. tintin says

    Thank you for your prompt response to my post.

    The verse dat readily came to mind is Ephesians 5v24 (24:As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything)

    However,my confusion is that should to your husband in everything mean your paycheck/personal financial decisions and even career decisions.

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    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @tintin,

    Tell me what you think God means when you read that verse. Also were there any other scripture that you found. I suggest searching the Bible for all scripture relevant to your situation. Check back with me and let me know what you find.

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  12. tintin says

    I am married to a man who is currently out of job but receives honorarium once in a while when he goes for ministration.He expects me to submit my pay check to him and dat has been a struggle for me.this is because he gives a lot and when he receives any money 75% of it will be given as seed to ministry and to help people,hence,we run the home solely on the income I make.

    Is it right to submit my paycheck to him and if so how do I handle the situation to ensure even my income is not spent the same way he spends his own

    I await your comments.thank you

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    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @tintin,

    What does scripture tell you to do? Ask God to reveal scripture concerning your situation.

    You said, “He expects me to submit my pay check to him” but I’d encourage you not to focus on what your husband expects but to focus on what God expects.

    What does God say you should do?

    I’d love to know what scripture you find about your situation.

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    Jessica Reply:

    @ TinTin: The following is my opinion: Yes, tithe is first. And yes, offering is second and can go to a person or Christian ministry in the name of Jesus. I believe that the offering should be a pre-determined percentage, just as the tithe is, with room to sometimes give more. The rest can be applied to the family income, to be decided together how it should be spent or saved.

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  13. says

    Roger, I think it’s important to note, that we cannot change our spouse, we can only change our attitude toward them. I spent many years praying for God to change my husband and it wasn’t until I surrendered that to God and asked Him to heal my marriage and help ME to love him like I should no matter what his actions are, did things start to look up.

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    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Melanie,

    I couldn’t agree more.

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  14. Roger says

    We are in the 2nd year of our marriage and i really have a lot of setbacks from my wife. there are a lot of disagreements we have. I almost gave up.. From small decisions, spirituality and sex..

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