You Have The Right To Remain Silent: How Arguing Destroys Marriage

How Arguing Destroys Marriage

You Have The Right To Remain Silent: How Arguing Destroys Marriage

A dream I recently had jarred me awake because the nature of it was so stressful to me even while asleep.

In my dream I was quarreling with not only my husband, but with a friend’s husband as well.

While the nature of the argument is irrelevant, the result of it will work as an opportunity for us all to grow as believers.

 




There was a time when arguing was like an addiction for me and although I have harnessed my anger I can still feel it inside me at times. I was raised with the idea that arguing was normal. Just about everyone who had a part in raising me argued and yelledMy parents argued about my mom working outside of the home and my aunt who I lived with as a teen, yelled regularly.

Remove from Me this Venomous Tongue - How to Stop Destroying Your Family with your Words - AProverbsWife.comMy upbringing is what led me to believe that arguing was a part of what families did. I thought arguing was normal.

Although it may have been part of what I saw growing up, it doesn’t have to a part of how I interact with my husband and children. In fact, because of this devotional it no longer is.

In this post I’m not going to write about how arguing affects children. I’ll leave that for another day. Instead, I want to focus on what it does to your marriage. Whether it’s you or your husband who is the aggressor hopefully, you will both be able to glean something from my experiences.

I’ll begin by sharing some of the reasons why I think people argue. There are tons more and you can share your thoughts, in the comment section below, but for the sake of time, I’ll only list a few.

  • We argue because it is what we’ve learned

  • We argue when we feel powerless and weak

  • We argue out of fear (defense mechanism)

Powerlessness and fear are directly linked to a lack of faith. Having an argument is an outward expression of opposition. People argue when they oppose something. One person may see something one way, while the other person does not see it the same way.

As Christian husbands and wives, we are mandated to be knit together as one. Arguments work to do just the opposite. Arguments tear marriages apart, and although you’ll learn in my devotional Remove From Me This Venomous Tongue how the wounds may heal with time, the scars may always remain. Sometimes we can still see the mental or emotional scars we’ve inflicted on our family. These signs remind us of the raised voices and the hurtful words.

I saw the effects that arguing was having on my husband, but I could not initially figure out a better way to deal with anger.

The bible says that a quarrelsome wife will run her husband away (Proverbs 21:9 & Proverbs 25:24). It is true and was almost the case in my marriage. I’m not telling you that arguing will push your husband away just because it happened to me. I’m telling you that it will happen because the Bible says it will.

So What Can You Do To Prevent This?

  • Ask God to teach you a better way by revealing scriptures that are relative to peacefulness in speech and character.

  • Admit that you are prideful, arrogant and self-centered. These are the characteristics  that lead you to believe that you are “right” in a given situation.

  • Ask God to take control of your tongue and teach you to use it only for edifying your spouse.

  • If you do argue immediately go to God and repent. The argumentativeness will probably not cease after just one day. It took years to cultivate and could possibly take years to overcome. Be patient.

Guidelines

Set up specific boundaries: If you are quarrelsome you lack self control in the area dealing with fear and conflict. You’ve learned incorrectly how to address it, and need a new method.

  1. Identify what topics of conversation result in an argument.

  2. Try to determine why you react the way that you do to that topic.

  3. Pray and ask God to change you.

  4. With each argument, fight the urge to go through with it.

  5. Be patient. Be repentant. Ask for your spouse’s patience.

  6. Pray for your spouse and children. Pray that while you are healing that they heal as well. Past and present arguments have left the past and present scars on their lives.

  7. Work through each section in the Remove From Me This Venomous Tongue devotional.

I don’t believe that you will overcome this behavior overnight. I know that God can deliver you from it immediately, however, it is going to be what you learn by going through the process which will create a lasting legacy for your family. Your journey will be your testimony, as it is mine.

I pray that your marriage be strengthened by your willingness to humble yourself to the will of the Almighty God.

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Comments

  1. Linda says

    Thank you for this post. Jesus is leading me down a new path. One that will instill in me a desire to serve Him as well as my husband. He & I both have an explosive temper. On a recent fight I saw a side of my husband that I never want to see again. It changed how I react to my husband in a not good way. I will let Jesus tame my tongue & my temper. I am going to write down the questions you posted & take the time to meditate on. Thank you & God bless.

    [Reply]

    A Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Linda, God bless you too.

    [Reply]

  2. ByHis Grace says

    I just want to share somethings in hope it will bless someone. I am a Christian, follower of Jesus Christ and I believe the King James Bible is God’s pure and perfect word and where the truth resides (Psalm 12:6-7). I am born again and saved by Gods grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8-9).

    Marriage is an honourable union between a man and a woman (Hebrews 13:4). Marriage is a union that was created by God Himself (Genesis 2). So it is a blessing to be married, however, Paul warned us in 1 Corinthians 7:28 we shall have trouble in the flesh; but I spare you. This was speaking of to Christians, so how much more for unbelievers or an unequally yoked marriage. Marriages are full of care (carefulness) in verse 32, because she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband verse 34. Marriage is also a distraction in attending to the things of the Lord, verse 35. If those who are calling upon the Lord in prayer you must be willing to hear from God by reading His word and being obedient to Him. A wise man will HEAR, and increase learning (knowledge); and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels; The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction (Proverbs 1:5,7). We have a written document that God has given us. Jesus said to those who believed on him, IF ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free (John 8:31-32). Jesus said, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life (John 8:12). Marriage is only a temporary union, that God design here on earth, to replenish the earth (Genesis 2:27-28). We will not be married to our spouses in eternity (Matthew 22:30).

    Therefore God is more concern about our souls, than He is our marriages or anything else. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it. For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul (Mark 8:35-36)? He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not on the Son shall NOT see life; but the WRATH of God (NOT God’s love) abideth on him (John 3:36). You could have a good marriage and die and be cast into hell, what profit will that bring to you? We ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). We ALL was born into sin (Romans 5:12), we sin because we are SINNERS and we are not sinners because we sin. Jesus said, except a man be BORN AGAIN, he CANNOT see the kingdom of God (John 3:3). So we can complain about others but God is judging YOU (Romans 14:12, Hebrews 9:27). Jesus said, I came NOT to call the righteous but SINNERS to repentance (from unbelief to belief in Him, Mark 2:17) If you are not born again, you are NOT saved and the wrath of God is upon your soul and the moment you die, you will be cast into hell! Jesus tells you how to be save, Matthew 11:28 Come unto ME (NOT a religion, building, man, or a system or any works to earn), ALL ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest, also John 3:16-18 (Ephesians 2:8-9), I encourage you to get a King James Bible and look up these verses and start in the book of John, it shows you that Jesus Christ was not just a man with another “religion” but He indeed is GOD in the flesh (John 1:14), who reconciled the world unto Himself (2 Corinthians 5:19)! Amen! (Here is a 1769 edition of the 1611 King James Bible online http://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org I do NOT approve of anything else except the King James Bible only).

    Therefore, IF we have come to the Saviour, Jesus Christ and have received salvation, the work He did on the cross to pay for our offenses to God, He will begin to work those things out in our lives, that we may bear good fruit, in time. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them (Ephesians 2:10). However, because we are saved, it doesn’t negate the consequences of our past sins. Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting (Galatians 6:7-8). God may have saved your soul and your life thereby, but there are some harvest of sin that will happen still, in our lives. We may have married bad husbands, raised poor children, or an unkept home. Even though God may have saved your soul from hell and His wrath, your husband may still walk out on you, your children may still go wayward, and your house may keep falling apart. God never said in His word, that once we come to Jesus all our problems will go away. This is the FALSE doctrine of man, not God. God said, IF ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, NOT on things on the earth (Colossians 3:1-2). Why? Because Jesus Christ is coming back soon (Revelation 22:20). Amen!

    I encourage you to NOT use any platform to complain about husbands, it will NOT help you and brings dishonour to God and your husband (IF you are a believer). Wives see that she reverence her husband (Ephesians 5:33). If you truly want help and the truth go to the word of God! I am a living testimony in my own marriage, ALL glory goes to Him! Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean NOT unto thine own understanding. In ALL thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be NOT wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil (proverbs 3:5-7). Amen!

    [Reply]

    ByHis Grace Reply:

    @ByHis Grace,

    I want to make a correction from my previous post regarding repentance: I stated it was turning from “unbelief to belief”. It’s more than that. Repentance is dealing with us at the core of who we are, SINNERS. Jesus said He came to call the sinners to repentance. We must come to an understanding that we are sinners and there is nothing good in us. We as sinners are a walking offense to God. Our sins that we do just proves we are who Jesus Christ says we are SINNERS! We must be broken in order to come to Jesus Christ. Another way to say this, we are sinners (criminals) before a holy God (judge) and we are GUILTY (romans 3:19) and our sins (crimes) just prove we are criminals! In order to be just (acquitted) before God (Job 9:2) our sins must be brought to justice. But we cannot on our own because we are the sinners! So without Jesus Christ there is NO hope for us!

    [Reply]

  3. Anna says

    I love thus article, and everyone u have posted. My husbhusbband and I are having a hard time right now, well for me it is for him he says it’s nothing. But he works in a casino and it’s hard to get him to focus on us because he is so focused on others at his job, I have found that he calls other women and can’t call me when he is asked. When I confront him about it he gets angry and tells me he can just leave so I can be happy or maybe I just need to find someone who makes me happy. He is always lying to me and when I confront him he just ignores me. Never denies anything but never says he will fifix it or change this is so overwhelming and as much as I pray for God to intervene I’m afraid that it won’t happen until it’s too late. I llove my husband so much and I want so much for our marriage. We have been married 10 years and Ive never had to worry about him having feeling for another woman like I do today.

    [Reply]

    A Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Anna, hi sweetheart. You are in a tough situation, but that’s if you try to fix it yourself. You can’t fix or change your husband. No amount of questioning, nagging or otherwise will make him be the man you need. God has to change his heart. Pray for your husband to follow God more than you ask him to do better. Everytime you feel like addressing your husband’s behavior take it to God first and let Him direct you. Pray for your husband to be the man God talks about in the Bible and pray for yourself to support him in a way that he see’s God in you and hears God when yu speak to him. Can you do that?

    [Reply]

  4. says

    I’m the oddball, I know. I grew up in a family with a lot of arguing and developed the relational style to be a conflict avoider. It was very dysfunctional.

    In my journey to emotional healing and more maturity, I had to learn to use my voice and …. argue! I had to learn to speak up and not be passive. Our marriage has become so much better as a result.

    I know everyone is different and every marriage is different and every issue to be argued is different and the way we argue is important. I do use “I” statements and am respectful, but it has been a huge step of growth for me to open my mouth and speak the truth in love.

    [Reply]

  5. says

    Thank you for sharing another good article to help improve marriage. Disagreements will happen. It is important to learn to fight fair with a happy marriage as the goal, not just being right.

    [Reply]

  6. Annette McKinney says

    Many years ago I took these notes from a minister/family counselor:
    RULES GOR EFFECTIVE ARGUMENTS
    1) Agree to these rules before beginning.
    2). Do not raise voices above normal
    3). No name calling
    4). Stay with current topic
    5) Do bring up past offensives (dumping)
    6) Agree to time out if too intense
    7) Agree that it’s okay to disagree
    8) End with a hug and prayer
    * Starting with prayer is even better

    [Reply]

  7. Michelle says

    I am unhappy with my marriage; my husband constantly barks at our son when all our son wants is some attention from him. I work 40 hours weekly but am expected to take care of ALL the house stuff with no help and then he complains. He has lied several times to me and now I don’t believe a word that he says, I don’t like sharing what he has told me with people because inevitably it comes back untrue and then I am embarrassed. I have confronted him about it before but then he gets mad at me. I am not really an arguer but more of the silent type, I can go days without speaking to him. I have prayed for 13 years for all of this ; for him to be a man of his word etc. quite frankly I’m tired of waiting. Why is always the wife that gets addressed about their problems but never the husband. The wife of quarrelsome husbands feel like leaving too!!

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Michelle,

    I’m so sorry about where you are in your marriage. I can tell you are frustrated and hurting when I read that you are unhappy with your marriage.

    As a Christian we are Biblical encouraged to choose contentment regardless of the situation. You will be happy in your marriage when you choose happiness. Your husband doesn’t control that….you do.

    It also sounds like you may be overworked. You are doing 2 jobs. Working outside of the home and being a homemaker. You don’t think it’s fair and you are becoming resentful. Here’s the thing…God never desired women to work two jobs. He’s called us to be keepers at home. Biblical husbands are called to be the providers and wives the helper. Is there a way you could communicate to your husband that you may be becoming overwhelmed without blaming him?

    Do you both belong to a Bible preaching church and or have Bible believing friends? It sounds like you could both use a Christian married mentors to come along side you guys to study the Bible with you and pray with you both.

    Just reading your comments, I can see where you are contributing to the frailty of your marriage. I’m not pointing the finger at you so please to get offended. I used to have a bad marriage and know the talk and the signs.

    I’d love to talk with you privately and pray with you. If you’d like to email me, we can talk further. My email is aproverbswife@gmail.com

    [Reply]

  8. Dee says

    You have no idea how much of a blessing you have poured into my life with this. I grew up in a very similar situation and through recent situations in my life my self worth has plummeted to below ground zero. My fiancé and I have had 2 pretty significant fights this week with screaming and tears and threatening to call it quits because of various situations and the stress of te upcoming wedding we are both pretty tightly strung at the moment. I am definetly going to show him this when he gets home from work because I think we both need to work on this. Thank you for sharing ur life.

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Dee,

    How are things this week Dee? Changing this behavior won’t happen over night so be patient and prayerful but above all, be open to what God is revealing to you during your Bible reading and prayer time. If you ask, God will tell exactly what you need to do to grow in this area.

    [Reply]

    Dee Reply:

    @The Proverbs Wife,
    Doing much better this week. Have been really diving into all of the proverbs not just 31 in my study time so much helpful information in dealing with people and life in general. I am really being blessed by your articles I pray you re receiving as many blessings in writing them as all your readers are in reading them.

    [Reply]

  9. says

    Well put! I am the opposite, which is just as destructive. I don’t communicate and I know it is because my husband gives me patience and because I pray that I can recognize myself in those moments and resist my temptation to not deal with things.

    [Reply]

  10. Vanessa says

    Wow, this was for me. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home and even though I got saved when I was 16, I still struggle with deep-rooted issues from my past. I was back-slidden & unequally yolked.for 5 years & my boyfriend finally just got radically saved 4 months ago. He is like a different person! We were going to get married this past June but he had postponed it because of my anger, he didn’t know if he wanted to deal with it the rest of his life. Hopefully, now that he got saved & we are both seeking the Lord, the Lord will heal those wounds & help us walk in His ways.

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Vanessa,

    Make God the focus of your relationship and He can definitely break the yoke of anger in your life.

    Prayer verses: Colossians 3:1-4,8

    1 If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God.

    2 Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.

    3 For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God.

    4 When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory.

    8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.

    Be blessed Vanessa <3

    [Reply]

  11. Rebecca says

    Wow, it is so important that you and your children get back in a bible believing church! Your childrens’ souls are at stake! I will pray for you. We had a lady come to our church for two years and her husband came once in a while and finally after two years he ways saved! Another lady that came with her parents for years and her husband refused to come at all (I had never even seen him), he was finally saved and is now growing tremendoulsly and even leads bible study occasionally. It is not your responsibility to convince him of Jesus’s love. The Holy Spirit will work on him as you live the way God wants you to. While you’re waiting get in church, love him with God’s love through you, and read your bible. Let him see a transformation in you. I love to listen to Nancy Leigh Demoss and Dr. James Dobson podcasts on the Internet! They are such an encouragement to me. Love and prayers, Rebecca

    [Reply]

  12. Jennifer says

    Very powerful. I am a yeller and I pray everyday for God to help me to yell at my kids or my husband. I have been doing better, but only with Gods help. I have to learn how to get my anger under control, which I also pray to get help with. It’s not often I get so angry I can’t see straight, but when I do it just overtakes me. My husband and I have been in counseling to try and save our marriage, but sometimes I don’t think it will work. I have honestly held my tongue more then ever and tried to be polite and respectful, but he won’t do the same and his words are so damaging that I can not heal. After not speaking for over a week, we finally tried discussing our issues last night, but he didn’t want to hear anything I had to say and was so disrespectful to me that instead of getting angry or yelling I just turned over and went to sleep. He tried getting me by pushing me to get me to react, but I did not. We need God’s help and please pray my husband will start to rely on God as well as myself. I pray all the time, I try to do what God would want, but admit I don’t. I want to get back in church, but my husband wants nothing to do with church thanks to his mother shoving it down his throat as a child and teen. He is not saved and it scares me to death. Please pray for us. This is what I needed to read this morning. Thank you so much!

    [Reply]

  13. says

    Amen and amen! These tips are great for friendships, too. Prayer and admission to our stubbornness will break that arguing stronghold!

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Chandra (@ShiftC),
    It’s so true even to the extent of including friendships. An ugly angry spirit is not profitable for anything.

    [Reply]

  14. Shavvon says

    Gosh…wish I could have a 1 on 1 session with you!

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    Shavvon, we should set something up via Skype.

    [Reply]

    Shavvon Reply:

    @The Proverbs Wife, I’ve never used skype, but I’m willing. Where can I find out more info?

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Shavvon,
    You can sign up for a FREE account at Skype.com
    If you have a headset we can chat live. If you set up an account just choose the computer to computer Skype option. Let me know your Skpe name and I’ll find you and add you as a friend Or you can add me. I’m: A Proverbs Wife

    [Reply]

  15. says

    Is it arguing if you don’t raise your voice? I should have read this last night when I was feeling a bit under appreciated. Of course I felt the need to speak up. At least I didn’t raise my voice, but tears were involved. Thanks for the great post. Stumbled…
    Shelly @ Coupon Teacher´s last blog post ..Rite Aid Coupon Matchups

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Shelly @ Coupon Teacher,

    It’s always hard when we butt heads with our spouses whether yelling, crying or just disagreeing. I wrote a post previously on how I disagree with my husband without bringing shame to God or dishonoring my husband.

    For me…it’s about anger. No matter what we disagree about, I try not to let ANGER take hold of me. My husband has worked hard to do the same. If we have a disagreement and then don’t speak to each other as a result or even if we harbor secret animosity then there is a problem in our hearts that needs to be addressed.

    After any disagreement it’s always good to pray separately for God’s will to be done in the matter. I especially ask God to help me to be humble and content. It an added bonus to pray together as well.

    I hope I don’t sound preachy. I don’t have all of the answers. I only share my experience as a sister in Christ.

    How Should a Wife Disagree With Her Husband Respectfully- http://aproverbswife.com/2010/06/how-should-a-wife-disagree-with-her-husband-respectfully.html

    [Reply]

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