Why Don’t I Feel Loved?

distant husband

What if I told you that you no longer had to get upset with your husband when he doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved?

This used to be a big issue for me. I’d have a head full of ideas about what my husband needed to do to make me feel loved. The list went on for days.

In fact, when I’d complain about not feeling loved, he’d tell me to tell him what he needed to do to make me feel loved. I’d give him a list of whatever it was he needed to do that week and he’d try his best to do them.

A week or two later, I’d come back to him complaining that I did not feel loved.

And again, I’d give him a list of things he could do to make me feel loved.

He’d try his best to do what was on the new list but a week or two later, I’d come back complaining that I didn’t feel loved.

By this time, he’d point out that he’d been doing everything I’d asked him to do since our last conversation and I’d reply, “but you’re not doing the stuff from the first conversation”. ๐Ÿ™‚

I was a hard woman to please and was being pretty selfish in my expectations of love.

In every situation we face we must invite God into the equation. Things as simple as creating weekly menus and as impactful as the love displayed between a husband and wife must include God in order for it to perform at its peak potential.

I found myself in a cycle of frustration with my husband because he was not meeting my expectation of romance. Any time I find myself becoming frustrated with someone I step back and start digging to uncover the motive.

When I am fully vested in Gods plan for my life there is no need for me to be angry or frustrated. I believe there are no permanent sorrow attached to Gods blessings. (Proverbs 10:22)

The sorrow comes when I am coveting something that is outside of God’s will.

If I am upset with my husband for not being romantic and making me feel loved, I am setting my affections on romance instead of on serving God.

In fact I’d go as far as to say that my heart is set on a command given to my husband.

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25

I can expect to be loved but I mustย  not allow myself to become bitter, frustrated or disappointed if (I don’t feel) my husband is obeying Ephesians 5:25.

If I do…I am sinning.

Feelings are fleeting and as read earlier can change from week to week. Gods love is consistent and it never changes.

I realized I was using my feelings as a measuring stick for my success or failure to show me love. Using my feelings kept him at a disadvantage and it wasn’t fair to him.

When I began setting my focus on God he opened my eyes to see what his idea of love was. I began to truly see the little and big things my husband was doing daily to show he loved me.

I stopped being selfish and stopped taking his efforts for granted.

If you find yourself stuck in an emotional cycle of he loves me, he loves me not I want to pray for you. God wants to come alive to what true love is and isn’t. He wants to settle in your heart and mind once and for all your sense of value as a woman of God.

If you’d like me to pray for your marriage I’d be delighted. My goal is to help you build a strong marriage with God as your foundation.

Comments

  1. MP says

    Thank you for a great article. My husband is wonderful and a hard worker/helper. With that said, I can relate to giving him ways he could show his love more, and I counted that as “open conversation” rather than “selfishness”. I think it’s a mixture of both, but more sinful when I try to compare him to MY ideal of a perfect loving husband demonstrated in God’s Word. Thank you for showing me that I’m not the only wife to have done this, but it is also something to refine in my perspective, and appreciate him for him more!

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  2. says

    I have only been married two years(second marriage) and it is totally falling apart.I am so worried we are headed for divorce. Please pray for my marriage. I can’t even list all the problems that are causing our marriage to fall apart. Thank You

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  3. Rachel Killgore says

    Please pray for my marriage and especially our finances. We are so far behind on our taxes that we need a miracle to get caught up! It has been a problem for years. It has taken a toll on our marriage. Plus, my Brother put a gun to his head in front of my parents and killed himself. We have had a lot of problems over this. He doesn’t understand I miss my Brother. My heart is broken for me and parents and my 3 kids. We are a blended family with 5 children. I can’t even beginning to say how hard that has been. We have been married 8 years and we have had major problems for 8 years! We need prayer so badly!

    Thank you,
    Rachel K.

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    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    Hi @Rachel Killgore, are you a member of a local Bible believing church? Is there a married couple who could possibly mentor you and your husband?

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  4. sadanddesperate says

    I feel completely trapped in depression. I can feel amazing and then like nothing at the slightest gesture or word from my husband… and it’s destroying our marriage.

    I need help. I can’t seem to get my mind and heart on the things of God. I try and yet feel like such a failure daily. I feel empty with God and an enemy to my husband and family. Some days I just wish I could escape.

    Please pray for me and for my family.

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    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @sadanddesperate, I am going to pray for you now.

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  5. Vicki says

    I love this and needed it. My husband is a deacon in out church and we are very involved. He works a fulltime job, and is still always available to the congregation of our church at anytime for anything. I am so blessed to have a spiritual leader of our home and a man so willing to serve, but I tend to let my flesh kick in and I feel like I don’t get enough of his time… this article really convicted me. Thank you!!!

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    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    It’s amazing what your husband is doing. My husband was oh so busy in the early days of our marriage and I was oh so needy. I’m so glad God opened my eyes to see that I need to let my husband be about Gods business and I need to do the same. Now that my focus is not on my personal needs and on how to best serve God, I don’t feel the lack of time and affection from my husband. I cherish the time we have together more now. I am praying that you will focus on God whenever your flesh kicks in and tries to make you FEEL alone and unloved.

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