10 Ways to Avoid Arguments With Your Spouse and Still Go to Bed Best Friends

10 Ways to Avoid Arguments with Your Spouse

I grew up in a home where my parents argued and I’m guessing it’s the reason I thought arguing was normal during the first seven years of my marriage.

I thought all married couples argued — shoot I’d seen some of them have arguments.

After seven years of marriage having at least one argument a week was commonplace. I remember having an argument with my husband the first week we met which is why I never thought it was important for me to try and change. I was like that when he met me and I wasn’t going to change.

I was headstrong and opinionated.

I looked at our arguing not as something that was destroying my marriage but more a battle of wits. He thought he was smart but he was no match for my venomous tongue.

In many of our arguments I select just the right word to cut his ego and self worth down to size.

It was me against him and I was winningor so I thought.

After seven years of marriage he was fed up with me and I was fed up with him. We both knew if we didn’t change we weren’t going to make it.

I don’t know who made the decision first but God took each of us our own individual paths to becoming peacemakers in our home.

At this point in our marriage we had to give all or nothing because resurrection of our marriage depended on it.

When I made up my mind to fight for my marriage instead of fighting my husband here are some of the things I did to avoid arguments.

10 Ways to Avoid Arguments With Your Spouse and Still Go to Bed Best Friends

1. Realize your husband is your ally and not your enemy.

If you are looking at your marriage from the perspective of ‘me against him’ you are not looking at it through the eyes of God.

In the book of Genesis the husband and wife re called “one”. Arguing with your husband is idiotic when you look at your spouse from the perspective of you both being one. Arguing with him is equivalent to arguing with yourself in the eyes of God.

When one of you becomes string enough to link arms with the other and commit to working together instead of against one another you will be on the road to creating the marriage you always dreamed about.

2. Strive to be righteous not right.

There will be times when you are absolutely right and times when you are dead wrong. In those times when you are right is it worth it to make sure your spouse knows it by any means necessary?

If it is and it’s causing you to speak to your spouse in a demeaning manner or raise your voice it’s probably not worth it. I’ve learned that whether we argued over finances, the kids or anything else, it was never worth the amount of disrespect we threw each others way. I now realize why we argued. It was because of selfishness, fear and pride.

Pride will make you think you are always right and that you must get that point across. It’s not true.

Instead of focusing on being right, begin to focus on being righteous. Anytime you feel the need to argue your point consult with God first and ask Him to guide your words and actions so that while expelling your point your character will come across as righteous.

3. Forgive your spouses short comings.

If my husband made an error in judgement on any number of issues, instead of forgiving him, encouraging him, coming up with a solution and moving on, I’d use that as an opportunity to hold a grudge against him especially if I told him how to avoid the error in the first place.

Instead of using these opportunities to show grace and mercy I would stick it to him.

God had to really convict me in this area by reminding me all of the time he had been gracious and merciful to me.

4. Encourage instead of discourage.

Do you know how powerful your words are? Your words have the power to build up or tear down.

When you use your words to encourage your husband instead of discourage him, you can in fact make him better.

It’s when I began to build him up after a set back that I realize the power of my influence to diffuse his anxieties and encourage him to keep seeking God for direction over our family.

Not only did I focus more on what he was doing right, I began to verbalize my delight.

5. Don’t be easily offended.

The book of Ephesians talks about not being easily offended and I was certainly one who was offended easily. Any comment I took as being snide resulted in me going on the offense and badgering my husband regarding the motive behind his comment.

6. Weigh life’s issues against Gods goals.

Is what you’re arguing about something that will further the kingdom of God?

When I changed what was important to me it helped me see more clearly what issues were worth fighting for.

I didn’t have to argue with my husband over things any more when I started asking two questions.

             1. Is what my husband asking me to do a sin?

             2. Will getting my point across further the goals of God for our family?

When pleasing God and doing His will became my ultimate goal the things I used to argue with my husband about became less and less important.

7. Stop before you get angry.

I was just telling a friend that I struggled so badly with anger. In fact, if I was angry enough about something I wouldn’t let my husband go to sleep until we duked it out and cam to a resolution.

What I learned from that tie in my life was that most times there was an unresolved emotion that came just before the anger.

When I really started probing into the “why” behind my anger I realized that the precursor to my anger was usually a result of hurt or disappointment.

If you want to avoid arguments, let your spouse know when he’s hurt or disappointed you and don’t be afraid to tell him without all the attitude.

When you tell someone they’ve hurt you with a “stank” attitude they are more likely to become offended and feel attacked. Allowing myself to be vulnerable enough the communicate my hurt or disappointment before I’d worked myself into an anger frenzy allowed my husband to apologize quicker and avoid an argument.

8. Become a better communicator.

Don’t wait until you are angry to talk. Talk before that and be transparent. If you can’t be transparent with your spouse who can you be transparent with?

My husband is my best friend so you won’t find me pouring my heart out to my girls.

While I love talking to them I feel absolutely confident that they are there for me if I need to talk, I don’t feel like I need to tell them what’s frustrating me about my marriage.

I instead take my frustrations right to the source. I let my husband know when I am struggling, feeling unappreciated or unloved.

I let him know in a calm and non-accusatory manner. My goal in communicating tough issues with him is not to attack him because like said in point number one, we are allies not enemies.

My goal in communicating with him is too share weak areas in our marriage so that we can come together and figure out how to strengthen those areas.

9. Pray alone and together.

Be transparent in your prayers but speak the truth of God over your words. For example, when I was so angry with my husband I‘d tell God how angry I was and how I thought my husband was wrong.

I’d follow that up with the truth of Gods word.

I knew that no matter what my husband did or did not do right, that God would never leave me or forsake me. I’d remind myself that God is concerned about the things that concern me.

I’d especially ask God to show me my faults instead of me focusing on my husbands. And finally I’d ask for strength to cleave to my husband rather than pull away.

10. Flee from a hard heart.

I had a habit of giving my husband the cold shoulder after an argument especially if it wasn’t resolved.

My distant treatment could last up to several days if I wanted it to. Whenever he crossed me I‘d become the ice Queen and would as cold as possible toward him until I felt he’d jumped through enough hoops to get back into my good graces.

Giving your spouse the cold shoulder is a dangerous game to play. I once heard a man say that divorce begins before you every file the paperwork.

It begins in the heart and mind. It begins when we start to pull away and harden our hearts toward each other. At the time it might feel like we’re getting even but what we are doing it tearing the heartstrings that connect us to our spouses.

As we matured my husband and I both saw how damaging this was and therefore stopped being childish and begin to be humble. No longer was it a battle to see who could hold onto their anger the longest. We began to battle for each others heart.

Soon our goal became being the first to apologize and draw nearer to one another.

sidebar divider right

I don’t want you to go away thinking I was the tyrant in the marriage and my husband was some angelic husband who was being treated unkindly.

We were both a hot mess in desperate need of Gods divine intervention to save our marriage, but in my writing I only speak from my perspective. I speak from one woman to another because I want you to understand one thing beloved, it doesn’t matter what my husband was doing. His sins did not justify my behavior.

Did he deserve some of the treatment I gave him?

Yep.

However, my behavior is about me and God. God called me to be forgiving, kind, reverent and submitted to my husband and I wasn’t being that.

It’s when I realized that my behavior was offensive to God that I began to change. When pleasing God became more important than winning an argument, I began to change.

Are you ready to change? I know your tired of arguing with your spouse and that’s good because it’s not the marriage God wants for you.

If you can relate to any of what I shared here today I want to pray for you because what I had to do to better my marriage is hard stuff but I know you can do it.

Even if you think your marriage cant be saved, let me pray with you. God is still in the miracle business. Please leave your name in the comments below so I can add you to my prayer list.

Comments

  1. says

    My husband suffers from depression. He also has back problems and bad headaches. I try to be loving and understanding however I also am so tired. I’m the only one that works, I also am the one who comes home does the laundry, cleans up things when I get home. Otherwise it creates more tension in our home. He feels guilty and like a house maid and I just feel unappreciated. I pray for him and his health, I pray for God to help us spiritually and bring us closer to him. But I’m tired. Things are tight in our household. Money is sometimes an issue too. We belong to a local Bible Church. Im so greatful for this church. It is the first church that my husband really has gone to. I am greatful every day for what God has blessed me with. If I can ask for your prayer for strength , understanding, for myself and courage and understanding and health for my husband. Thank you. Your Facebook page has been helping.

    [Reply]

    A Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Carol, I believe you when you say you’re tired, but remember that trouble doesn’t last forever. It’s only for a season. Things happen to teach us lessons and reveal more about ourselves and God. I encourage you to look up every verse in the Bible about trials and tribulations and review Gods promises in light of them. That will give you hope and strength that God hasn’t forgotten you and He’s in control even when things seem out of control. Many blessings to you friend.

    [Reply]

  2. Donna says

    In desperate need of a miracle I already feel cold toward him and have lost all respect for him. I know the word if God and pray daily but this is a real battle because of the things he continues to do.

    [Reply]

    A Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Donna, marriage is one of the hardest things we’ll every do. It involves so much love, but also draws out the worst in people at times. Praying for healing and reconciliation.

    [Reply]

  3. Laura says

    It has been over a year since I read and commented on this piece. It has not been a good year in reference to my marriage. My husband told me he is no longer attracted to me. I actually asked him to stay somewhere else for a time…actually 100 days is the number I felt God gave me for us to each pray and reflect on why we are at this place and if we want to work on being in a better place. We are on day 50 now. I have prayed every day for my husband to find me attractive and for reconciliation, for a marriage that would honor God. I worked on myself by losing 16 lbs so far, reading lots of things on marriage and respect, starting a new home business, and learning to keep my budget since he has changed his direct deposit to another account and only puts the food budget in our old account for me. He does pay the bills so far. It has been rough, but God is good and he is working in my life in some special ways. I still do wish I could look back and say that none of it was my fault but I am wise enough to know it takes 2. SO, I am becoming aware of where I was wrong and I am trying to become a better, more God honoring woman, no matter what my husband decides in 50 more days! Please pray that God will work in his life too. Thanks!

    [Reply]

    A Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Laura, If you’ve prayed it for your husband, God is already there working in and on him. I pray your husband will hear and obey Gods voice concerning your marriage. It takes a humble women to admit and realize where she has contributed to the destruction of her marriage. I would really begin searching the scripture for everything it has to say about marriage and making sure you are striving toward that. I would also connect with a local church marriage ministry via small group or private pastoral counselling. If you have friends who’s marriage you respect/admire but maybe haven’t been open with them in the past about your struggles, consider asking them to come along side you guys as support and prayer.

    [Reply]

  4. Jacqueline. says

    Your story is mine made over. I am sitting here as we speak waiting to pick my son up and I just ask god why and I found this. I grew up where words were weapons and used words to hurt my husband. We are both in love with each other but he can’t trust I will not disrespect with words. I have hurt him deeply and I need prayer

    [Reply]

    A Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Jacqueline., it’s going to take work, but your marriage can recover. I too was destroying my marriage with words. I shared my story here: http://aproverbswife.com/2010/07/you-have-the-right-to-remain-silent-how-arguing-destroys-marriage.html Your husband can learn to trust you again as you learn to gain control over your tongue.

    [Reply]

  5. Becca says

    This article was in my fb feed and boy, did I need to read it. I am right in the middle of being the “ice queen” over a fight we had two nights ago. It is over money. I am a saver and he a spender. I do not see how it can be pleasing to God to not be a good steward of what He has provided for us. I worry so much about our future, after all, we are not getting any younger. I am angry that I have to suffer because of his poor decisions. I know that it is fear that causes me to feel this way. The Lord is convicting me and said many of the things to me that you stated in this article. I want to not sin when I am angry… Please pray for me, thanks.

    [Reply]

    A Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @Becca, Your position on your finances are logical. I went through a similar situation in my marriage and I realize God used my husbands poor decisions to help me learn to trust despite what my husband did. Me, trusting God and encouraging my husband has helped my husband get to where he needed to be as a financial steward. Here’s an article I wrote that may help: http://aproverbswife.com/2010/06/how-should-a-wife-disagree-with-her-husband-respectfully.html

    [Reply]

    Becca Reply:

    Thank you for the article link, once again the timing was perfect.

    [Reply]

  6. Stephanie Hall says

    Oh wow. That sounds like me. I am new in the lord, only 2 and a half months, and god has convicted me of not being the wife he made me to be. This article helps and please pray for my husband dale and I. I will keep you in my prayers as well. God bless you.

    [Reply]

  7. brittany says

    This article, word for word is exactly what I needed to hear. I just like Elisha, want to always be right. And I argue with my husband until it is proven I’m right. I did not realize how my actions are destroying my marriage. My husband hates to argue. I am so guilty. Please pray for God to change my heart. Thank you so much for this article. It has changed my perspective.

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @brittany, of course I’m praying for you sweet friend. Repent and begin to speak the truth to your husband in love. Remember that you two are allies, not enemies. <3

    [Reply]

  8. elisha heffner says

    Im so guilty of this. I always want to be right and brag about it to him. I tend to put him down and harp on him about his mistakes I also bring up his past mistakes we fight alot and I hate it.

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    If you want to strengthen your marriage @elisha heffner you have to stop. With each action we are either building up or tearing down our marriages. Making a better marriage starts with you. You ken begin by changing your behavior. Choose not to argue and be intentional about your tone, words and character. It’s hard but not impossible. Be prayerful in asking God to help you be more like Christ in your marriage. It takes work but with God all things are possible. Are you willing to work at being the peacemaker in your marriage?

    [Reply]

  9. margarita perez says

    You are speaking my life in every word written
    I just pray that like you I can make that change that God is asking for and my husband and I need for our relationship to be healthy. Keep my marriage in your prayers.

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    @margarita perez, I will keep you in my prayers sweet friend.

    [Reply]

  10. Laura says

    This was wonderful to read. I wish I had read it when I had only been married 7 years though. We passed our 27th year of marriage with no celebration in November. As a matter of fact, when questioning my husband he said it was just another day. We are in a bad place. We haven’t even slept in the same room for over 3 months now. We barely talk and we don’t touch, not even on accident.
    I am in Grace Life Counseling and he refuses to go. I am being taught that I need to change my actions and reactions. Some of what you are writing is so right. We will be having our first grandchild in November. I PRAY we are in a better place then.

    [Reply]

    The Proverbs Wife Reply:

    Hi @Laura, my heart breaks for you and your husband. It sounds like you truly want to save your marriage. I’m praying that God would soften you and your husbands hearts toward one another and bring reconciliation.

    [Reply]

    Laura Reply:

    @The Proverbs Wife, Thank you! Bless you!

    [Reply]

Trackbacks

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge