I have. I was thirteen and it was by a relative. It happened once, I told, and it never happened again, but I had to live with my molester.
That one incident changed me. It changed something on the inside of me in regard to the way I felt about myself and about men.
For years after my molester was no longer around,
I was angry. So angry, I would think of how I would kill him if I’d ever saw him again.
That one incident changed how I felt about my value as a person. It made me ashamed of myself. It skewed my view toward intimacy and I even began to think I had caused the incident. I went over and over in my mind how I brought it on in some way. As an adult, I began believing the very things that attracted my husband to me, were what had instigated my being molested. Being attractive to my husband began to feel dirty.
In my twenties, after marrying my husband I would relive the incident in my sleep and wake up crying and afraid. It made me afraid of my husband as well. Afraid of his touch. Intimacy was difficult. Just my husbands movement in the bed as I slept would stir up fear and anxiety.
It had been ten years since the incident and I was still trapped reliving it on a daily basis.
Throughout this time, my husband was as patient with me as he could be, but even his patience was wearing thin. He could not understand why something so long ago had such a hold on me. At first I felt like his perspective was insensitive, but the more he talked the more he began to make sense. We talked a lot about the part I was playing in reliving the incident. Why was I still feeling like the scared little girl molested at thirteen? It was because I was choosing to entertain those thoughts.
What we think on is up to us. We have some level of control over the thoughts that enter our minds. I realized I wasn’t setting up boundaries for those thoughts. I also had not went through the process of forgiving my molester. I didn’t think her deserved forgiveness. He had broken something in my spirit that day I thought it was gone forever.
It took some time and maturity in my faith, but I finally forgave him for what he did to me. I understood he had made a choice to do the devils work and God would repay him for that, but I wasn’t going to remain angry, hurt, afraid and bitter. I can’t tell you how much power was restored to me. After a while, I stopped feeling and acting like a victim.
I began restructuring all of the lifestyle choices and thought processes that had been cultivated because of this fear. I stopped parenting out of fear of my children being molested and I stopped being guarded with my husband. It was not an overnight process, but once I decided I wasn’t going to live in the prison of my past, my whole life changed.
If it was not for my husband continuously pointing me to God the Father through the process, I would still be a hurt, bitter, and fearful woman. Today I am free from the painful memories of being molested. I still know what happened to me, but there isn’t a fear, hurt or scaring attached to it. What used to be a painful memory is now a springboard to tell people about the healing power of Jesus Christ and the word of God.
The devil knew this one incident in my childhood could be used to put a strain on my marriage, but God gave me a remedy for what the devil designed to destroy me. God allowed me to use His word to renew my mind. He helped me exchange those negative thoughts about myself for His thoughts about me.
As I let God work in my heart, mind and spirit to bring healing I realized there was a battle raging for my soul and my life from the day I was born. My molester allowed himself to be used by Satan to not only damage me physically, but spiritually as well. Satan thought he had victory and he did for a while until God showed me that my battle is not against my molester, but against Satan. (Ephesians 6:12-13).
When I asked God to come in, He healed my spirit and my body was healed as well. God made it almost as if it never happened. Now when I tell my story for the sake of possibly helping someone, there isn’t any pain or shame attached to it. God took all of that away. He covered what was exposed on that day. He restored what was lost. He refilled in what was removed.
I can’t explain it any better than I have. God is a restorer of what was lost (Isaiah 58:12).
If you are still reliving the horrible events of that time in your life God can take away your hurt and shame. It’s not an overnight process, but it is not impossible. I pray you would know that. I pray you would believe that nothing is impossible with God and that he is more than able.
If you would like to receive prayer, please leave a comment below and we will pray over it. Also, please share your experiences or comments because we are all women of prayer and can encourage one another.
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