Every adult walking the earth has experienced some level of loss and as individuals we’ve had to come to terms with the grief and emptiness that accompanies it. Before the fall of man there was no death, but now, we must say good-bye often too soon, to people we love.
How do we cope? What do we do with that emptiness that can either compel our faith or rock it to it’s core? Today our beloved friend and regular contributor, Kim shares her story. I pray her story inspires hope in your heart and restoration with the one who is mighty to comfort and heal the brokenhearted…Our Savior Jesus Christ. -Saidah
I have experienced a lot of loss within the last six months. Where do I even begin? What to even say?
I will start with my mom because somehow it seems easier. I always knew there would be time when my mom would be called to go home with the Lord. She was sick for about two years or so. During that time it was a roller coaster of illnesses and hospital visits. I’m not sure if any of my family members knew whether we were coming or going. I knew she was dying, but the little girl inside didn’t want to admit it. As I sit and look back over the last year of her life, it was filled with all of these little moments. I knew they were special as they were happening, but I didn’t know how much I would treasure them now. Somewhere during the whirlwind of emotions, hospital visits and mental exhaustion, I lost myself and distanced myself from God.
Isn’t it strange how in the moments when we need God the most, we run?
My mom passed away at the end of January and she took a part of my heart with her. Why is loss so difficult to face? I envy those who can cope with joy because I had no joy. I had no peace. All that was left behind was an empty heart and a soul filled with depression. Around that same time, I seemed to also lose my best friend. No, she didn’t pass away. I don’t know if she didn’t know how to handle seeing me at my worst or if she couldn’t process my roller coaster of emotions. I somehow resented her for not showing up when I needed her the most and was angry at God for taking away the person I loved the most. I kept asking myself over and over if there was a silver lining.
I’ve come to learn, months later, that losing someone or something in your life is never easy. It is the one life lesson no one can prepare you for. The pain that you experience after the death of a loved one, loss of a friendship or even a relationship signifies that the connection you once had with them was severed. In more ways than one, that pain is gut wrenching soul aching deep. You feel those soul ties being cut. That isn’t easy…EVER. Actually, in this weird way, I better understand the crucifying of Christ. Those aching moments before Jesus was reunited with his Father. The overwhelming emotions Jesus must’ve felt as the ties were cut from His Father.
As I sit here and try to name every emotion that I am feeling, it will still be unexplainable. Words just aren’t enough. I am broken. I’ve experienced a loss so intense, so big that only my Savior can fill that hole.
No one but my Savior can fix this no matter how hard I and others try.
Why do we, as women try so hard to fix things? We try to fix other people and ourselves when maybe, God just wants us to leave things be. Let him be the one who comforts, who heals, and the one who brings peace. When we try to do His job, it pushes us further and further into the pit of despair and loneliness.
Some things I’ve learned during my season of loss are:
1. Not give up.
2. How to better forgive.
3. How to deal with people who are hurting. (Stop asking people, “How are you” and just ask them how they are today).
4. I’ve learned to really just let go and let God.
During this season of loss, I’ve cried ugly monster tears and screamed until my throat was raw. And it is OK! I have just sat and let the Holy Spirit be my comforter. One particular day, I believe God gave me a vision of my mom. She was sitting on a dock with her feet in the water. Her hair was blowing in the wind and she had a fishing pole in her hand. I believe God allowed me to see this in order to bring peace. Peace of mind. Knowing that she wasn’t sick anymore, that she didn’t have to be hooked up to I.V.’s and tubes, knowing that she didn’t have to be carried or have people look after her. Knowing that my family and I could live our life without worry or fear. She is FREE!
In the end, I am so thankful that God allowed peace to be ushered in, sent people to take the place of my best friend and allowed the restoration process to begin. If you are reading this and you’re hurting, know that you are not alone. I am right there with you and God knows too. He is counting and wiping every tear that falls from your eyes. Know that you are cherished and you are loved. If you’ve wandered away, Jesus will always usher you back into His loving-kindness. You can never run too far from God. He can bring beauty out of your brokenness, we just have to admit our limitations and allow God to be God.