A dream I recently had jarred me awake because the nature of it was so stressful to me even while asleep.
In my dream I was quarreling with not only my husband, but with a friend’s husband as well.
While the nature of the argument is irrelevant, the result of it will work as an opportunity for us all to grow as believers.
There was a time when arguing was like an addiction for me and although I have harnessed my anger I can still feel it inside me at times. I was raised with the idea that arguing was normal. Just about everyone who had a part in raising me argued and yelled. My parents argued about my mom working outside of the home and my aunt who I lived with as a teen, yelled regularly.
My upbringing is what led me to believe that arguing was a part of what families did. I thought arguing was normal.
Although it may have been part of what I saw growing up, it doesn’t have to a part of how I interact with my husband and children. In fact, because of this devotional it no longer is.
In this post I’m not going to write about how arguing affects children. I’ll leave that for another day. Instead, I want to focus on what it does to your marriage. Whether it’s you or your husband who is the aggressor hopefully, you will both be able to glean something from my experiences.
I’ll begin by sharing some of the reasons why I think people argue. There are tons more and you can share your thoughts, in the comment section below, but for the sake of time, I’ll only list a few.
We argue because it is what we’ve learned
We argue when we feel powerless and weak
We argue out of fear (defense mechanism)
Powerlessness and fear are directly linked to a lack of faith. Having an argument is an outward expression of opposition. People argue when they oppose something. One person may see something one way, while the other person does not see it the same way.
As Christian husbands and wives, we are mandated to be knit together as one. Arguments work to do just the opposite. Arguments tear marriages apart, and although you’ll learn in my devotional Remove From Me This Venomous Tongue how the wounds may heal with time, the scars may always remain. Sometimes we can still see the mental or emotional scars we’ve inflicted on our family. These signs remind us of the raised voices and the hurtful words.
I saw the effects that arguing was having on my husband, but I could not initially figure out a better way to deal with anger.
The bible says that a quarrelsome wife will run her husband away (Proverbs 21:9 & Proverbs 25:24). It is true and was almost the case in my marriage. I’m not telling you that arguing will push your husband away just because it happened to me. I’m telling you that it will happen because the Bible says it will.
So What Can You Do To Prevent This?
Download my devotional and begin working through it alone and/or with your husband.
Tell your spouse that you want to learn a better way to communicate.
Ask God to teach you a better way by revealing scriptures that are relative to peacefulness in speech and character.
Admit that you are prideful, arrogant and self-centered. These are the characteristics that lead you to believe that you are “right” in a given situation.
Ask God to take control of your tongue and teach you to use it only for edifying your spouse.
If you do argue immediately go to God and repent. The argumentativeness will probably not cease after just one day. It took years to cultivate and could possibly take years to overcome. Be patient.
Set up specific boundaries: If you are quarrelsome you lack self control in the area dealing with fear and conflict. You’ve learned incorrectly how to address it, and need a new method.
Identify what topics of conversation result in an argument.
Try to determine why you react the way that you do to that topic.
Pray and ask God to change you.
With each argument, fight the urge to go through with it.
Be patient. Be repentant. Ask for your spouse’s patience.
Pray for your spouse and children. Pray that while you are healing that they heal as well. Past and present arguments have left the past and present scars on their lives.
Work through each section in the Remove From Me This Venomous Tongue devotional.
I don’t believe that you will overcome this behavior overnight. I know that God can deliver you from it immediately, however, it is going to be what you learn by going through the process which will create a lasting legacy for your family. Your journey will be your testimony, as it is mine.
I pray that your marriage be strengthened by your willingness to humble yourself to the will of the Almighty God.
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